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My name is Elodie. I am 17; I try to think about when it started. Sometimes I think it was when I was in fifth grade, that’s when I stopped talking about food and stopped eating candy and junk food. I felt like I couldn’t talk about food because then people would think I was unhealthy. However, it was in seventh grade that I started limiting food. I wouldn’t eat breakfast, then I’d have an apple and a few pieces of lettuce for lunch and then I’d eat as little dinner as I could get away with. It wasn’t hard to get away with it. My dad never really lived with us, he and my mom officially separated in 2001, but I can’t remember him ever sleeping in our apartment. My mom works a lot, she’s rarely in New York during the week. So it was just me and my brother after my older brother went to college and we ‘out grew’ nannies.
Things spiralled from there because they could; the bulimia wasn’t far behind. I then found the internet and all the other girls ‘just like me.’ They made me worse, every time I was at my weakest they pushed me on. I knew I couldn’t eat because I’d have to tell them and they’d judge me.
Along with the eating disorder there was paranoia, social anxiety, obsessive habits, self-harm and depression.
I was first admitted as an in patient during eighth grade, they discharged me speedily because I was so young, but I was still in out patients through the summer. Ninth grade was really bad. I was pushing my friends away as hard as I could, thankfully they stood by me, crazy as they are. I was hospitalised twice that year, but never admitted. Sophomore year I was admitted for 3 months at the start of the year and then my mom found a different center outside of the city. I was there for three months as well. The summer wasn’t so bad, I can actually remember having fun. However, by the end of summer it was apparent that nothing had changed. I was back in treatment for all of Junior Year, except for a 3 week stint near mid terms and an 8 week stint towards the end of the year. I got my SATs and scored well because I was working on school while in an in patients clinic.
It was during Junior Year that I realized how bad things were. I wasn’t a little girl anymore; I was 16 and had never had a period and probably never will. I’ll never have children and who wants to fall in love with somebody that damaged? I was also shocked into recovery by stories of things and then being shown how close I was myself. It had got to a point where I couldn’t deny that I needed help anymore. I could see what my friends had and I wanted it so badly. I wanted to go out and have fun and not to worry about being in bed by 10 so I could be up by 5. I didn’t want to have anymore ‘bad days’
I still don’t accept my body and you’ll notice I’ve barely mentioned it. I still hate myself and don’t like taking my clothes off. But now I don’t hurt myself. I don’t eat what and when I like - it’s still a battle. I have menus for each day, but things are getting better. I can eat food. I still haven’t managed cake or chocolate, but twizzlers are something I can do – I ate 8 over the weekend. I ate bread a few weeks ago; I eat noodles once a fortnight. All of these were things I was too scared too eat this time last year. Senior Year has given me confidence to be myself and become healthy again. This time last year I had my mom, my brother, and three friends. This week I’ll be graduating high school and going to a party afterwards with about 40 people who care about me.
I was sure that the flaw was with me and that I needed to change. I dreamed about how I should be. How I would have to be to be happy. All of that made me miserable. I was unhappy at 104lbs, but I wasn’t any happier at 72lbs. It’s OK to dream so long as your dreams aren’t the thing killing you. I’m still recovering and it’s still an effort everyday to get up feeling positive and ignoring the voice telling you you’re fat, but making the decision to recover has been the best thing. I’ve had a wonderful last year of high-school I’m way more confident heading to college and I like knowing that people will remember me as I was this year.
Don’t give into your eating disorder - it might feel like part of you, but it’s the only part that’s not worth loving.
http://elodieastor.tu