I could not feed my family and the only thing I could find to eat was my daughter's pet guinea pig, General Franco, as I spent all my money on gambling and booze. I cooked it up on the barbecue and served it for dinner. I didn't tell my family they were eating the guinea pig until after they’d finished supper. My daughter cried, which was annoying so I sent her to Cheltenham Finishing School for Girls. I never liked that guinea pig anyway, it smelled horrible and kept me awake at night rattling in its cage. Good riddance I say!